Max Out Happy

Is This Thing On?

by whitney

I’m STILL here!

Max Out Happy has a whole new look, but hopefully the same ol’ vibe. Whitney spent a whole day taking pictures with me for the new site and for future posts – I am so excited to get rolling again! We were able to rent the cutest airbnb in downtown Fuquay for our photo session. It was the original downtown Fuquay Varina library! My brother spent his free time implementing the new theme for the site and making it look the way I wanted (and I am not super patient when I want something to be done already, so I know I was a pill). This is a place that I feel like I’ve been missing over the last year or so, especially as I feel like I have finally gotten a grip on handling having a baby (now that Davis is almost a year and a half old, haha!). So, I wanted a fresh look and a fresh start!

Max Out Happy started out as a space where I wanted to be creative and express myself (see my first post here). However, as we all know, life gets in the way sometimes – and with marriage, a new home, a baby, teaching full-time, and then a global pandemic, writing for fun took a backseat and the blog just kind of sat here. I had canceled my renewal for 2021 and then something deep down said revive her!

When Whitney was taking pictures for my new personal branding photos, she asked me what kind of vibe I was going for. I said, “You know, just happy and casual, like I’m their friend” – and that may sound silly, but that’s truly what I hope this blog feels like. When I think about what I really want Max Out Happy to feel like, that has never changed since day one: I want this to be a place of authenticity, optimism, and compassion. I always want to keep it real, but I also love to find the beauty in the world and celebrate the little things because there’s already so much ugly we have to deal with in life.

So, here we go! I’m picking it back up yet again! I’ll be writing whatever comes to my mind, whenever I have some free time, without putting any pressure on myself. Read if you like it, and move on if you don’t. I promise to bring you more chats about life, teacher thoughts, outfits, makeup, products I love, recipes, and everything in between. Let’s promise to Max Out Happy in 2021. We could all use a bright place these days!

Waiting on the World to Change

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(A little John Mayer song title reference for you there). I haven’t written in so long, and throughout the pandemic I keep saying to myself, “I really need to journal,” but I somehow never find the time. Today my anxiety and stress pushed me right upstairs and in front of my laptop.

I’ve been thinking today about the book The Things They Carried – did anyone else have to read that one in high school? It is several short stories set during the Vietnam War, but I have been thinking about all of the things we carry and how heavy that load can become. Four years ago when Andrew lost his dad, I referenced the phrase “heavy boots,” another term that I stole from a book (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)…and today, my boots feel heavy. I’m sure that with everything going on in the world, many of yours do, too.

There is always a lot to be thankful for, but there is an overwhelming and endless stream of information, opinions that I do and don’t agree with, conflicting stories from trusted resources, and it seems like more bad news comes at every turn. Women are having their OB appointments and delivering babies without their birth partners. Adults and children are stuck in homes that are not safe for them. People are going hungry. Children have been out of school buildings for months. Teachers are trying to grapple with how to educate their students from home and dealing with all of the crazy possibilities for school coming in just a few short weeks. Lives and livelihoods have been lost, and on top of that, there is an election coming in November that will determine huge things for our country in either direction, and the nation is so divided. People are f i n a l l y fighting for racial equity, among other BASIC human rights, but look what extreme measures and tragedies it took for only SOME of us to come together and fight for what’s right? With all of this – the pandemic, the election, the fight for racial justice – there are polarizing debates every time I go online and it is heavy to carry. Please understand that I am not saying it isn’t worth its weight, or that it is somehow heavier for me than for anyone else; that is not what I’m saying at all. We all carry different things, and we all carry them in our own way; the things I carry are not the same as yours, and vice versa, so it doesn’t work to sit around and compare weight.

We are carrying a lot. I am incredibly thankful for my life and I feel truly blessed, but it has been a lot. I know everyone has their own version of that story, and I also know that some have it much worse than I do – I am not here to complain, but to say that I SEE YOU. I see you mamas who are working a full-time job while being a full-time care provider and parent to your children, even if you have a partner. I see you women hustling for your jobs or your businesses and trying to make things work when business is not coming in. I see you people who have had to put important decisions on hold for months because of the current world situation. I see those of you who are missing family and friends, or who have had to miss huge milestones with those you love due to Covid-19. I see those of you fighting and demanding that we do better for future generations. I see all of you who just need a BREAK (which is probably all of us!). I know many of you also had to take on the role of teacher while your children tried to tackle remote learning. Some people have been unable to work or receive a paycheck, and many people have lost someone they loved. I see you. I see how hard you are trying to carry your load with your heavy boots making one step, and then, somehow, another.

Today, I got the news that a really special person in our school lost her fight against cancer, and everything just kind of came at me all at once. So I started rattling off my list to myself of what makes me feel better when I am down, anxious, or stressed out – because today I was all of those things. The things that always work for me are getting outside, walking, exercise, listening to music and singing, taking a relaxing bath, reading to get out of my own head, and, as always, writing. So I walked outside, I exercised, I drove around a little with the music blasting, and then I came upstairs to write. We all have different ways to help ease our feelings when they get too heavy to carry. We have to take care of ourselves or else we will see the effects for a long time to come.

Stress affects so much more than just our moods – it is closely intertwined with our blood pressure, our central nervous system, our hormones, our sleep, our weight…so many major body functions. I hope you find something that works for you, that will help lighten your load. If my list doesn’t work for you, make up a list for yourself that does. This is a stressful time, and it is okay for us to admit that we are not okay all the time, that we need a break, that we need to be alone for a minute, that we need to do whatever it is we need to do to feel like ourselves again. Things are not normal, so how can we be? Many of us are carrying a lot more than we are used to.

I encourage you to find your list – what things help you lighten the load of the things you’re carrying?

P.S. I forgot to add my new favorite way to de-stress…hugging my sweet boy close and getting those good baby snuggles when he lets me 🙂 (I’m talking about Davis, not Andrew…but he’s usually good for a hug, too!)

For my Fellow Empaths

Mental health check-in board in my classroom (made by a student!)

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while now, but I couldn’t get my mind wrapped around what all I wanted to say. Finally, here I am. I have been thinking a lot lately about wellness, mental health, and what that looks like for myself and others. I have always considered myself to be a people person, and time and time again I am labeled the same in personality tests as someone who is highly sensitive to others, and just sensitive in general. I am a feeler; I feel things really deeply, I take on the joys, sorrows, and stresses of others, and I have had to work really hard to get to a place in my life where I feel like I am able to manage that in a healthy way. I just want everyone to be okay – for there to be peace and harmony and balance – and it is overwhelming sometimes to know that I can’t control that for anyone but myself. So I comfort myself by doing my little part, and this post is a challenge for you to do the same.

During October, mental health awareness week is observed. We make sure to illuminate this on social media or mention it to people if we hear about it in time, but in my opinion, mental health awareness should just be a way of life. Taking care of ourselves and checking in on those we care about should be something we do on a daily basis. We all deserve to be seen, heard, and reached out to with care. When is the last time you asked your parents, your friends, your significant other, or your colleagues if they are feeling good, if things are going okay for them, or if there is anything they need? When is the last time you asked these same questions of yourself, the person you have to spend the most time with? It doesn’t have to be serious or heavy, but it should be sincere – and my worry is not that people don’t care, but more likely, that people are too busy trying to make it through their own hectic life that they aren’t stopping to ask anyone else if they could use a leg up or a kind few words of encouragement in the process.

In 2017, I saw a documentary and a TED Talk that changed the way I look at everything. I have always been a feeler and a people person, like I said, but for the first time, I finally had my hands on some real science that made everything click. The documentary is called Resilience: The Biology of Stress and the Science of Hope. It illuminates the alarming results of a massive research study conducted in the mid ’90s, the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study. The ACEs study correlated childhood traumas in the home before the 18th birthday to negative health outcomes later in life, and the results were staggering in shining the light on the connection between psychology and physiology. Trauma – real trauma – literally changes our DNA and our body’s stress response system to make us more susceptible to serious health conditions later in life, not to mention the emotional effects. Most importantly for my work as a teacher, trauma can cause serious behavior and learning problems in school, and can make things like ADHD easier to misdiagnose. The accompanying TED Talk that gives a background of the ACEs study and a call to action is linked here by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris – take 15 minutes and watch it when you can. For the last two years, I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about the effects of trauma on our adult health and on the developing bodies of children and teens – particularly with a lens to be a better educator and help teen students navigate through levels of anxiety and depression that are higher than ever before. My passion with education has always been the human interactions, the relationships, and the lasting memories from the students in my classroom.

I recently saw a video on Instagram, and you may have seen it by now, too – a coach at a high school embracing a student who came to school with a gun. Due to working in a high school, obviously this possibility lives in the back of my mind at all times, and it is chilling – to say the least. But what a display of absolute heroism and compassion that man showed, simply by giving grace and love instead of potentially escalating the situation into something violent by taking a different approach. In the video, the teenager is clearly unstable, flailing his arms around, shouting and crying, hugging the coach back, pushing him away, hugging him again…it is clear that he needs help. I’m not saying we have to hug every threat that comes our way, or that we shouldn’t place consequences on behavior that puts the safety of others in jeopardy…but something has got to give. The video was a strong example for me of the delicate balance of humanity. Suicide is now the second leading cause of death in NC between the ages of 10-17. Yes, you read that right, age TEN to seventeen. We are losing people and we don’t have the resources in place to be able to help them, or to help ourselves when we are run down from trying to carry out the emotional work of educating children. We have compassion fatigue, we have secondary trauma, we have burnout, we have exhaustion. Not to mention, we also have our own stuff to deal with and work through. Wanting to help is not enough. We need action, we need to build resilience, and we need support and resources for when our batteries are too drained to continue to help charge others. This article does a good job of expressing the need for help in dealing with secondary trauma. This one too, for all my teacher friends!

We need more kindness, more grace, more compassion. The world needs to stop blaming others and tearing people down with judgments and passive aggressive remarks. It costs nothing to smile at someone, to check in on someone who seems like they are struggling, or to thank someone for something they did that mattered to you. It is completely free to give someone a break, to put a hand to a shoulder, or to hold someone close when they are crying or on the edge. We have to stop saying people should “suck it up” and “deal with it,” because actually dealing with it looks a lot different than ignoring it and sweeping it under the rug. We have no idea of someone else’s story, and I can say this firsthand through learning things about students’ lives that make my stomach flop and my hair stand on end. The effects of stress and trauma are long-lasting and literally health-damaging. People need to know that they can count on someone, that it’s okay to reach out for help, and that they are not alone on whatever road they’re walking on. It’s daily acts of kindness, love, grace, and compassion – no matter how small or seemingly insignificant – that keep people floating instead of drowning. And the more we all practice these things, the kinder the world becomes.

One day, care plans for trauma and ACEs will just be part of our routine screenings/physicals and education plans. This article details Dr. Nadine Burke Harris’ plan to implement these changes in education – but it is going to take time, and it is going to take all of us. Mental health awareness isn’t just suicide prevention day, or a week during a month of the year. It is every day, it is lifelong. We all need to be okay, and to know how to start working towards it if we’re not. To know that it’s okay to admit we might need some help – and to know that help will be there if we can take the brave step to ask for it. It’s not huge, grand gestures that make the difference, it is small everyday tasks that can change the course for someone who is struggling. The world already has enough negativity and skepticism. What if we all took a small part in spreading something better around?

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@maxouthappy